It’s important that you appear to sympathize with the terrorist on the street—the regular Abdul-Exploding-Belt types—For heaven’s sake, roll up the sleeves of that robe.

The World Cup was very popular among our supporters. Would it kill you to work a “Go Italy” button into the folds of that turban?

Our focus groups indicate that our younger demographic is greatly enamored of this Johnny Depp fellow and the whole pirate aesthetic. We suggest that you braid a few strands of your beard and add some beads. Older brethren may also have residual positive associations with Bo Derek in this regard. It’s win-win.